Are you suffering from fopo?
“It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living.”
Eckhart Tolle
Before we get started, can you just exhale and get comfortable,
all the thoughts buzzing around your mind,
thoughts of this person,
that person...let them go, even just for a moment.
What is FOPO?
FOPO is an acronym that stands for Fear Of People’s Opinions. Yes… that old thing we’re all familiar with and experienced at some stage in our lives.
The term was coined by Michael Gervais, Ph.D., a performance psychologist. He writes that
“stress-inducing FOPO can be a huge barrier in people’s professional and personal lives, causing them to avoid going after their goals or taking healthy risks, due to a fear of rejection.”
He also says something really powerful and important to remember today and tomorrow, that
“If you start paying less and less attention to what makes you you — your talents, beliefs, and values — and start conforming to what others may or may not think, you’ll harm your potential”.
Have you ever been walking into a meeting or a party and you are defeated in your mind by the fear of what other people think of you before you even arrive? Were you defeated getting ready for dinner, then in the Uber and then again at the door of the restaurant? Was any of it actually proven true?
I spent a large part of my life living in my head, thinking about stuff, fixating on things that 9 times out of 10 either didn’t exist or actually didn’t matter if they were a reality.
Thoughts rampant in my head were wild things like:
“Can't show my face until I have finished doing something incredible”
“What if that person realises that I have flaws?”
“Will that person really value what I am about to say”?
“Should I do this, what if they find out it didn’t work?”
Writing this gave me some reflection and it boiled down to a few things. Deep insecurity in general was a big one. Not feeling worthy or complete by the age of 20 or 30.
The other was being perfect, now this was a massive one! I always felt that I just couldn’t make a mistake because in the eyes of my mother all I had to be was “perfect” and she was satisfied. So I applied having to be “perfect” to everything, which was impossible, crippling and just plain silly.
***Note to self***
Never inflict the need for perfection on my kids. Never let them carry around the need for perfection on trivial things in their lives, its heavy baggage to hold onto, with no real place to put it down. Perfection will never allow the ability to try, explore, fail and flourish in the fullest of ways.
WHAT DOES FOPO LOOK LIKE?
You might be thinking, “yeah, I often get stuck in my mind, overthinking people’s reactions but do I really suffer from FOPO?”
These are the signs you might suffer from FOPO:
You don’t act on instincts because you fear how someone will react
You struggle to make your own decisions when around others
You cover up or don’t own your little “imperfections”
You imagine how others will react before they do and often before you do that act out what they are going to react to
You live your life smaller because you don’t want to put yourself out there
You say yes, just to please
You apologise and say sorry for things you shouldn't be
You hold your breath and won’t speak your mind.
If any of the above rings true, it is important to understand what areas of life this would surface the most frequently in.
These are trigger points that may get your mind spinning and bring your Fear Of People’s Opinions to the surface:
Are they related to looks?
Material possessions?
Conversations, social settings?
Fear of being found out by a peer, that you aren’t as smart as you would like people to acknowledge you for?
At this stage maybe you have a clearer understanding of what and where but what’s really important to understand is how your version of FOPO shaped your life. Don’t forget our beliefs are key to everything.
How has it held you back from your full potential?
When did it last impact you?
Has it stopped you from doing something that was extremely important for you to do?
Is it now an excuse that you can fall back on not to do something?
WHERE DOES FOPO COME FROM?
Does FOPO come from the deep need we all have of being loved? To feel part of something? To belong? Is it because we grapple with believing that we only matter based on what others think of us? Our worth, being our perceived-self, is wrapped into what that person across the room thinks or us?
Is FOPO more heightened within people that have lower self-esteem? Within people that seek external validation?
One common thought refers back to the very very old ancient brain we have. It was wired for connection, about fitting into a tribe or else we could be cast aside and left to fend for ourselves, it was wired so when others attacked the tribe we had built up enough standing to be protected. Now it's not that extreme anymore but that need for connection and belonging may be stronger than ever, given the divide and isolation we can all feel.
Brené Brown spoke to shame and its relation to the opinion of others in her book:
“Shame is the fear of social disconnection; it’s only human, but harmful nonetheless. We’ve all experienced shame. And most of us know that shame is triggered by our perception of what others think of us.
The relationship between shame and worthiness can be observed, for example, in those instances when we show others something we've created – such as an essay we've written, or a painting we've made. Often, we attach our self-worth to the way others respond to our creations. The result? We fear they will be criticized, or even rejected.
Since we feel shame only when we fear others' opinions of us, we can become resilient to it by reaching out and verbalizing it. In doing so, others can then understand our fears and emotions, leading them to empathize with us, and we can then replace any feelings of shame with those of received empathy.”
WHAT CAN YOU DO IF YOU GET FOPO?
Is it worth saying that if someone is tearing you down behind your back, they're broken?
The artists of the world cannot control what everyone thinks of their work, they approach their craft from a perspective of giving their all and being happy with the creation…and we can approach life in much the same way.
You are out in the world, the world is massive. You cannot control all of it, so why try to control this part?
Instead, you could try:
Develop a clear set of values that you will live by, you can develop powerful affirmations to support this “I am going to live my life without fearing judgement of others….”
Create a list of people that you may let impact your internal dialogue. The list is designed to keep you on track when the thoughts start rushing in about all these people that you are letting get in your head. Don’t try to be a people pleaser, sometimes you just need to do what is right for you, based on your purpose.
Perspective. Practice the art of having perspective on the situation. Do these people really matter? Why am I giving them permission to impact my mindset and in turn actions and outcomes? Think about the big picture, not the individual.
Stick to your own lane...What someone else thinks of you is their business, not yours. Remember your goals might contradict another person’s, so they often just don’t align. But we’re all different so why should they?
Presence. Being present in the moment and not allowing the thoughts to wander into the past or surge into the future. It’s all about the breath work. Enjoy the moment you are in and the journey you are on.
Abundance mindset. I am all I need to succeed, I am all I need to create the life I want. My positive thoughts of myself are all that matters. Trust yourself, you know what is best for you...it’s your life!
Observe, Acknowledge and Move on. Practise identifying these emotions as they arise in your mind. Recognise the function they are serving you at that point in time, how are they serving you? If they don’t align with the values you are living by, move on...let go. This will get better over time.
Don’t put your opinions or judgement onto others in much the same way you fear is being done to you. Free your mind of that practice, it is a two-way street.
All of these tactics are not a silver bullet, I don’t really think we have a single swift response when we are trying to break years of beliefs in our minds and millions of years of evolution.
But the tactics can be woven together and create a powerful response to our minds.
It’s about mentally acknowledging that this is something that you go through, training your mind to recognise what is fact and what is fictional and who matters and what you will actually put energy and emotion into is critical.
IN THE END, WE REALLY HAVE TWO CHOICES
The ones that you think are talking about you and judging you...they’re not. They don’t have time and are too caught up thinking about what people are thinking about them!
Even if they were looking at you, judging or talking about you, it doesn't really matter.
There will come a time when you recognise that these thoughts are not helping, they are not a protection mechanism keeping you safe from wild bears or eviction from the tribe. Reading this today can be steps towards you being free from FOPO or maybe just suffering from it far less, but you need to put in the work.
You need to think how much better your life will be, when you don’t have this happen on a constant basis.
In the end though, there are thoughts in our mind that we have a decision to make:
1 . I will listen to the doubt in my mind, the stories from the past and not give this moment all I have and risk more unfulfillment, because what they possibly think of me, means more than a future of great possibility and growth.
OR
2 . These are merely thoughts that carry no weight in my life, they will not hold me back from great things any longer, my life, my beliefs, my actions carry me forward not back. These thoughts simply do not help me grow nor matter.
A FOPO from the heart
Writing these two choices feels a little simplistic and it can be as easy for some but if it's harder for you, maybe try this. You need to own up and say “it’s not easy to change but I want to change and not live in my head.”
This is how I have dealt with FOPO
It all started with being aware and owning that it was within me.
The more I work with people and organisations, the more I explore and further realise the importance of being still and the importance of processing thoughts, emotions and tremors in the mind vs ignoring, pushing deep down into a place that feels safe for now...but eventually roars back to the surface.
Then it was about conversations with myself about how I wanted to live my days, before I even got out of bed.
Powerful conversations about who and what mattered, about qualities I wanted to represent.
Few people’s opinion really matters to me now, my wife is one and the others could be counted on one hand and dependent on the subject.
I know now that having self affirmation is a powerful key to so much, that we are in fact all we need. It is important to have a still mind and to not be focused on others, because this is a never ending cycle of unfulfillment and angst.
What we’re all looking for is more authenticity
Authenticity in others...and the want to feel that we are just being authentic in our own life story. Yet here we are, often in a cycle of inauthentic behaviour.
So maybe the key is to just own it, own your decision, your actions...your life and worry less about the thoughts of people that aren’t really central to your story or at least in control of what is being written each day.
Write your legacy, you can choose if they contribute to it or not.
FOPO’s ruining your life?
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