There’s no room for regret when you’ve hit rock bottom (an Ultra runner’s tale)
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Flash back to early January 2023, I was running the trails at Arthurs Seat Dromana Victoria, beautiful day, sun out, alone on the trails and flying along, uphill… down hill… over rocks… down steps, music playing in my ears, running bliss was around me, I was in a zone.
Bang, left toe caught the edge of a rock, I fell forward and landed on all fours. Damaged back, jarred back, back spasms… I could hardly stand up and couldn’t run. I was walking like a big letter ‘r’. It actually scared me, the feeling of jarring my back this badly, how long would it last, would this linger? I didn’t know that the feeling on that day would conjure up all kinds of emotions 4 months later coming down from the Summit of Mount Buffalo, Victoria.
Regret can be a powerful emotion
And it’s certainly a negative one. It comes from the notion we have failed, made mistakes and that what is happening is all our fault. There is self blame and even a shame component to regret.
That day at Arthurs seat there was plenty of regret and blame:
“Why wasn’t I paying attention?”
“Can’t believe I was that reckless!”
“What if this ruins my training for months?”
“Why…why…why now?!”
That day, regret was not spurring me forward, it was deflating and destructive.
But weeks later on another trial. At 10.50pm about an hour before I finished the 100km race in Bright (17 hours after starting!) I was nearly done, completely ruined but then, regret got me going and a vision of what mattered most fuelled the rest.
I sat at the aid station in a camp chair, warm blanket over my legs, next to a small warm campfire, volunteers waiting for me to say “I’m done, take me out of here.” comfort calling me to stay dry and warm under the blanket.
7 kms to go according to the course map, however I had completed about 96 kms because I had taken a wrong turn, which added 3km extra to the 100km journey.
But 96 kms was no comfort in my mind, just a heated battle.
To quit or to fight…
To sit or to go…
So I called Julie, my wife, at 10.53pm and we spoke for what I thought was 10 mins… It was a little over 3 mins.
What was I thinking about? What did I need?
I needed a path forward from her. The OK to quit or the reason to move.
Nothing luckily was forthcoming just “it’s your choice but don’t hurt yourself.”
I said to her “I gotta go”.
I turned off my phone, slid it back into my vest (I wish I had recorded these moments).
I sat there… I thought about the saying - near enough is good enough.
I sat there and came up with all sorts of reasons as to why stopping would be OK.
But regret kept coming up in my mind and regrets last forever. It’s something I have been thinking about a lot, regret. Regret to do with my mother’s death, regret to do with me as a father and husband.
You can’t escape the weight of regret
Regret is a terrible feeling, it burns, it weighs you down. It comes back time and time again until you reckon with it and accept the past for what it is and don’t make the same mistake again in the future.
That day, I would not add “didn’t finish this event” to my list of regrets. At that particular moment, there was no room for regret,
I said to myself that I wasn’t letting myself down or my family down.
I pictured my boy in my mind and the look on his face if I had to tell him “I gave up, I quit, I didn’t keep going”. The look on his face when I couldn’t give him the green and silver medal for completing the race. I was making room for regret in this picture.
And I thought about being home with my family, being home with my wife. There was no room for regret in this scenario.
I thought to myself, the longer I sit here for the longer it will be before I see them.
The longer I sit here, the more likely regret would engulf me in a big dark heavy fog.
In my head I screamed “I’m not quitting, this is exactly what I came here for!”
So, I looked at the 2 people in front of me, took the blanket off my legs. Asked them “Can you help me get out of the chair please?” and then I asked “What’s in front of me, what’s left?”
The older gentleman said “Well I’m a local around here and I’ve been walking these trails for a long time, the hill in front of you is the steepest you will face today going up about 600 metres, some parts you will be clutching at rocks to climb up. The other side is a steep long descent into town.”
I knew I could make the climb, even if it took two hours but the descent was what scared me. More falls like before and God only knows what would happen, pitch black and alone.
So I turned and went up the hill and yelled over my shoulder “I'm going, not stopping now.”
The next hour or so was incredible, the climb up the hill was more difficult than I could imagine. In that state, at that time where you can’t see the top, the mind plays tricks, wondering if the hill will ever level out. You know it will but that doesn’t stop the questions.
But you push on, one step, next step. One action, next action.
You block out the noise, you tell yourself ”This is my choice to be here.”
But I forgot to fill up my water at the last aid station and I could already feel that dry mouth sensation happening but going back was not an option.
A reminder of how powerful we are when we have no other option.
I arrived at the top, smiled, laughed and then headed on.
The downhill into town was manageable, I passed a few people and talked about how they were feeling and pushed on with my own journey. There was no doubt I would finish this thing, I just had to keep moving.
At the bottom of the hill with about 3 kms to go, another runner Damien Robertson came alongside me and we picked up the pace into town, passing 3 or 4 runners.
Km 102 completed in 7 mins.
Km 103 completed in just under 8 mins.
The last km, 104, was completed in just over 6mins.
That last 15 mins were simply incredible. In the moment, it felt like we were flying but after 100 kms I guess we were! Demons, doubt and fear conquered, accomplishment of what felt so distant was here. I allowed no room for regret, not even a little bit.
Regrets last forever, I wasn’t having that!
Looking back now, 13 days after completing the 100km event and 9 days before my next Ultra, the experience was beautiful and one I'll never forget.
The whole day was a marvelous adventure, running, eating, talking, climbing and nearly crying at one point because my back hurt so bad, bad enough for me to say out loud “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
But in the darkness there can always be light.
When you think you have nothing more in the tank… you have so much more to give.
So whatever it is you are struggling with right now… that thing that means so much to you, don’t give up on it, don’t give in.
Find the reasons why you must push on, use the images and words in your mind to burn white hot and move you forward. Leave no room for regret.
If I can go 7 kms with a smashed up foot and a bad back, you can go further also.
The pain of regret, a life unfulfilled, lessons never learnt is no way to live life.
If regrets last forever, why do we keep creating regret for ourselves?
I don’t know why we choose to keep doing things that bring the feeling of regret. Possibly a lack of vision, emotions or not knowing a better way all spring to mind.
Perhaps we need to learn the lesson, to not see the lesson again.
With that in mind… each day, a new dawn is our chance again to start anew.
Remember, there is no room for regret when it is your choice as to what happens next.
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