Men, working your shit out by yourselves just doesn’t work!
Confront it to transform it.
Own up to it to accept it.
Start doing it to be it.
You can reinvent yourself.
Life is not about being perfect, nor do I claim to be that myself. As I sit here and write this, I know that I need to continue working on patience, I need to continue getting better at not reacting in situations when I am not 100% in control, because ‘certainty’ has traditionally been high up on the list of ‘basic human needs’ and boy does my 2 and half year old son know which buttons to push and make me fully understand I am indeed very rarely in control!
Trying to be perfect is one certain way to screw yourself up, because it is impossible. But what is 100% possible, is making steps and getting better each day and that's what this blog is designed to hopefully help you do.
Here’s the reality for men now
In the next couple of paragraphs, I’m going to offer my perspective relating to the reality for men these days. Because there are a lot of different issues and influences that come into this, let’s dive in, go with me on this.
The theme for International Men's Day in 2020 was "Better health for men and boys". The theme focused on improvement and enhancement of health and wellbeing of the male population said that “Globally men die 6 years younger than women. In Australia, and it is mostly true around the world. Three out of four suicides are men. 95% of people who die at work are men. Men under 65 are four times more likely to die of heart disease than women. Men under 75 are twice as likely to die from preventable causes than women.”
Another side to this story is not just the internal impact to one’s mind but the alarming figures reflected in how some men are acting within their relationships.
“An estimated one in six Australian women (1.6 million or 17%) aged 18 years and over experienced partner violence since the age of 15.” Source: Australian Bureau of Statistics
So why, when the offer for help exists, do most men pull back or shutdown?
Let me depict a few scenarios for you that may sound familiar.
Remember when your father would NEVER ask for directions before the invention of the Sat Nat. Instead, they’d just fumble through and EVENTUALLY get there after arguments and tension with your mother?
What about the “I can put this Ikea piece of furniture without the manual, instructions are for losers” mentality?
Have you ever said “Yeah mate, all good, I’m fine” when you were falling apart inside?
Where does that come from?!
Are your emotions tied to beliefs that you created 25 years ago or inherited from someone else’s old school mentality?
What are those beliefs? Can you hear an influential man in your life at some point saying “You’ll be right. You should be in control. You should be the leader. You should be tough! Real men don’t show emotions.”
Are those beliefs directing your actions to avoid finding the help you need to finally do something lasting about your problems?
Bottle it up... Push it down... Ignore it… Does that ring a bell?
Men, the emotions that you have moved aside for so long all exist for a reason:
Care
Guilt
Shame
Love
Vulnerability
Empathy
Passion
Fear of failure
That’s the authenticity of who you are, before life put many layers on you.
These are all emotions that we all need to deal with, to sit with, to smile at. To be truthful, the world needs us to be all of these things, we need to show strength and courage but this is just the tip of the sword. We are no longer exploring an unknown frontier, our great war is waged between the ears and on our phones and for a better society around us. We live in a life of comfort and luxury and the time of exploring what is inside rarely exists or if we’re being honest with ourselves… is rarely taken.
We have dulled ourselves with alcohol, prescription drugs and the notion that all the world needs from us is a nice house, a car and a firm point of view.
Masculinity is not about being a tough guy... Men, it’s time to get off the beers, stop the acts of being a boy at heart, maybe put the toxicity of the male ego aside and sort your shit out! And most importantly, get support from your community to do so.
What’s the story or facade?
The challenge for many men is the story we have created around ourselves, the image we want the world to see and it often helps protect us from the things that scare us the most.
The complicated story can be difficult to keep track of, it takes a toll on the mind to be living unaligned to what and who we truly are. The story line is often centred around the hero, that goes it alone to save the day or solve a problem.
A tiger is a tiger, he is never a monkey.
Did you know humans are the only animal on the planet that has an identity crisis?
The very thing that makes us human is the wide range of feelings we are able to have...Shitty emotions are ok, everyone has them and if you’re able to face them and recognise them for what they are, it’s basically a big neon sign saying “hey buddy, you should take care of this.”
But ideally, you don’t just face them, you embrace them.
Because when you embrace them you are close to them, you talk about them, you own them and you can fully understand how they are holding you back and how if you don’t deal with them, they will come back, again and again... Darker, heavier and often more damaging.
Men, if you don't work your shit out and deal with the baggage, you may well be included in the ‘one of the three’ stat. It’s a pretty scary and sadly real prospective!
And then someone will be left carrying that baggage and will have to do the work that you didn’t have the courage to do. If you don't address “it” your kids will probably be left to deal with the same stuff, because they will most likely be the same way.
Don’t forget, kids don't listen to us... they observe us, then they mimic us. They mimic how we talk, how we act, how we exercise, how we eat, how we love, how we drink.
This isn’t a “take a hard look at yourself” message. Frankly, that time has passed, this is a “take charge and finally do something about it” message.
Ask yourself
Are you sick and tired of not owning up to what’s going on?
Do you just want to admit it, then move forward?
What triggers this shit to keep coming back to you?
What is the shit that you need to sort out that you don’t want your kids or significant other to carry around?
This may not be a massive pile of shit. They could be the simplest things but the ones that are ingrained in your every day….
You know what it is, so today, in this moment. Write it down in every detail you can.
Sort out your shit: recommendations from a life coach for men
I truly believe it all starts with getting close to your shit, know what it is, allow yourself to think of it then be comfortable to talk about it. Your thoughts, fears, anxieties are not unique to you, there is no reason to be ashamed and cover them up, it only makes it worse.
So please start a journal for at least a week, write down what you do, how you act, what you say.
Reflect: what does pressure and stress do to you? What are your triggers?
Review your habits relating to major areas of life your:
Relationships
Finances
Health
How you talk
How you act
Things that make you survive, thrive and crash-dive.
If you were watching a video of a week's worth of you being you:
Would you be proud?
Would you be embarrassed?
Would it be a highlight real moment? Do it again? or
Would you say, yep time for a change. WHY would you feel this way?
Reflect
Understand where you rank in importance your basic human needs which are; certainty, uncertainty, love/connection, growth, contribution, significance/importance and how these drive your responses to life scenarios.
Plan
Have a plan for your body and your mind. Not just one or the other, have a plan that you would recommend to your child. Even if you need to start with 10 minutes each day focusing on both, something for the mind, something for the body.
Keep yourself accountable
Doing all of this alone rarely works, find someone to hold you accountable for change, share with that person what you specifically want to do. Get them to make a commitment to you, commit that they will let you know when the slip ups occur. You will also make the commitment to own up and let them know when you slip up and why.
Identify your motivation
Be clear in your mind the emotional reason as to why this shit needs to change, be clear on the emotional motivation that will push you through.
Act
Don’t ask questions forever once you are clear about what needs to change MOVE FORWARD. Take the opportunity and do something impactful, remarkable and courageous.
Find your legacy
Understand that making these changes will impact your legacy (check out blog Why is your legacy important?). Over each day, week, month and year you continue to make changes, your story becomes more remarkable with each step.
Men choosing change live happier lives. It’s hard, it’s gonna take a lot but it’s proven.
Here’s the truth
You are tired
You are emotional
It’s difficult
You are scared
You are confused
I recognise you
I see you
I know you won’t give up
I guarantee you are on the right path
Regardless of what you do, it will not be a failure!
Give yourself the permission to change.
It’s time to sort that shit out.
You got this, you can reinvent yourself.
Is your life worth choosing change now?
If yes, I offer 2 program options for you:
One-on-one life coaching programs >>> click to explore further
Group life coaching program for men >>> check it out here (if you can’t see in the shop, it means it’s not running at the moment)
BOOK YOUR 30MIN FREE NO-OBLIGATION EXPLORATORY CHAT OVER ZOOM
This initial video call is relaxed, it is for answering as many questions as you might have about how we can work together and focuses on providing you with an understanding about the techniques and strategies that will be used to help you. No pushy sales pitch, just more clarity for you about the methodology I use with my clients.
>>> sort your shit out now | book
