Redefining boundaries is the best life hack for a great life
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Having worked with thousands of people over the last 25 years, in all kinds of environments, there are a few frequent challenges that keep on occurring in the ongoing battle we have as humans that are surrounded by other humans with conflicting ambitions.
And that is defining or redefining boundaries and the inability to set them or keep them.
How do you know if you lack boundaries in your life?
This can be a difficult thing to notice before your life has been impacted in a dramatic way. The subtle erosion of your boundaries can really creep up on you and can actually be showing up in a number of different ways, such as:
No time for you
Always focused on others needs and wants
Feeling overwhelmed
Anxious & stressed
Feeling bad about saying “no”
You need to raise your awareness to lacking boundaries.
So, what do boundaries sound like?
Your boss always sends you things to do over the weekend, rings late at night and texts at all hours when you would never do this to someone else. This is the perfect example when someone doesn't respect your boundaries.
Your partner is not necessarily doing wrong by you but they are certainly starting to behave in a way that doesn’t suit your vision of a healthy relationship, they are behaving worse and worse each week. This is an example when someone tests your boundaries.
Your friends are 100% crystal clear that you hate them being late all the time and that it frustrates you, yet time and time again, they do the exact same thing when they all get together resulting in, you guessed it, you getting upset and frustrated. This is when people don't respect your boundaries in group setting.
Each instance might be different but they really are the same. People encroach on your time, beliefs, emotions and vision for a wonderful life.
But what can you do about it? Must be time to make a change…
S is for Strategies
How boundaries will set you free
Setting boundaries sounds rigid, like it’s going to hold you back and restrict you to do less with the precious time you have got. Yet, it’s not the case as boundaries are being placed on external forces, limiting their impact on you which in turn, frees up time for you to do you.
Being able to say “No, I won’t do that but thanks for asking.” or “No, you can’t do that to me, that’s not cool.” will enable you to focus on what you need from others, which is your potential to lead your best life possible.
Importantly, the more you practise setting boundaries, the more your confidence builds in your ability to do it… So just like anything worthwhile, stick with it, it gets easier with time.
You need an action plan to help you redefining boundaries
You now have a good handle on what having no boundaries looks like along with an understanding of the positive impact boundaries can make on your life when you set them.
Now, go further and start to form a multi-faceted plan of behaviours to build those boundaries up.
Introduce healthy boundaries statements
I will respond to that email when I am back on board tomorrow, as there is much detail required.
No I can’t do that for you, we have spoken about this before.
Sorry but I will no longer sacrifice myself for us.
This is my time to recharge and refresh, let’s chat later as I’d love to hear it.
The thing you are doing by never sticking to your word, is not how I see a healthy relationship functioning and this is important that we achieve this together.
*Don’t confuse setting boundaries for you and about you with being selfish in a negative way.”
Boundaries are there to support you being as good as you can be. The above might be a little firmer in tone than what you’re used to but this is to provide examples for you to find your authentic voice.
Notice that in some of those statements, I have provided a level of justification for setting the boundaries. In reality, you don’t necessarily need to justify everything to everyone as this may well have the same impact as not redefining boundaries at all.
7 Questions to ask yourself about your own boundaries
Get the trusty journal out and if you don’t have that, just a piece of paper or a Google Doc. Don’t let no journal hold you back and create procrastination on making a start.
Each day review your day and reflect on it:
How could redefining boundaries have changed or improved the outcome of today?
Where or who do I need to set boundaries with?
What are those boundaries?
How does this impact my life?
How can I articulate my boundaries efficiently to those around me that need to know?
When it becomes difficult to hold my boundaries, what do I need to remind myself of?
Are people clear as to why I am being firmer with my boundary setting?
Then create a prompt on your phone, a reminder you will look at each day.
“Having stronger boundaries makes my life [insert your answer]”
Challenge your boundaries: it starts and ends with you
There is much need to put boundaries in place for people around you however you need to also put one on yourself - and that relates to staying true to your ambitions.
All the good work of being firm(er) but fair with others can be swiftly undone by you, not being disciplined enough when a challenge presents itself and taking your boundaries down because it feels like the easiest thing to do.
If it’s time to understand why you struggle with redefining boundaries (or keeping them), you may need to take the next steps in creating the right strategy that’ll work for you.
Reach out to set up a FREE Zoom call to ask any question you have about how I can help you.
SOMEONE ELSE SAID ABOUT THIS
“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say ‘no’ to almost everything.”
— Warren Buffet, Billionaire Businessman
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