The blame game: When it's always someone else's fault
4min
Playing the blame game isn’t helpful. Here’s why.
Blame is defined as assigning responsibility for a fault or wrong.
Playing “the blame game” indicates that you may need to increase your emotional intelligence (EQ), however unlike your IQ, your EQ is highly impactable. Making the effort to change your thinking can and will lead to success.
The challenge is that, for many people, assigning blame versus owning what actually happened is much easier. My 3 year old does it when he’s been caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to, he sometimes even blames the dog! Now, in real life, adults can’t blame the dog - that would make them look a tad crazy - and adults know better, right?
The truth is, people often find themselves blaming other people in tough situations, needing to relieve pressure or take control back.
Question: Have you ever been in the position of feeling down on your luck or overwhelmed with emotion and lashing out at others because you are not achieving what you wanted? Placing your failings, shortcomings and blame on them.
Does that sound like you or someone you know?
“Hey, the reason I didn’t get the job done is because he/she wouldn’t give me what I needed.”
What about?
“Well you made me act this way, it’s all your fault we got into a fight.”
Time and again shifting the attention elsewhere, to avoid the focus on ourselves and admitting what could be game changing truth.
Now, that's BS!
B is for Behaviours
Here are a few reasons why this behaviour would occur:
It’s a great defense mechanism in the heat of the moment. Basically “I feel bad and want to place it with you”.
It provides a perceived position of strength to go from defense to offense, it’s a forward thrust in a verbal altercation. Driven by the EGO!
It’s much easier in the moment for someone else to carry the blame.
It’s quicker than trying to articulate and explain what really happened or own what we are truly feeling.
It’s instant and easy gratification “not my fault” versus the realisation and pain of knowing we are in the wrong “yes, I need to be more”.
C'mon, that's real BS!
S is for Strategies
So be honest with yourself and if this is you, it’s time to own that BS!
Nearly all toxic and unhelpful behaviours require us to acknowledge it as OUR issue before anything else can happen.
Here’s what you can do: connect with how good life would be if you stopped passing the buck onto your partner, family, friends, or work colleagues? Would you feel Brave? Empowered? Truthful?
If blaming others is the behaviour you wish to stop, then what are the behaviours that you wish to replace it with? Start with this:
When you fall short of the objective, step up and say “Yep, that was on me”. Taking responsibility is 1 of 3 things that will build your confidence (the other 2… that’s for another newsletter). People will respect and trust you more for it.
Next time you’re looking to shift blame, try this: Shift your perspective from “It’s out of my control” to “that is in my control?” Stop. Pause. Take a few moments to gather your thoughts then proceed to find a solution vs creating another problem by passing it on to someone else. Embrace the mindset of purposeful positive actions.
Start the day with a personal mantra. “I will own my actions and results and not shy away from the impact they create. Good or bad”.
Understand where and when you tend to do this, under what circumstances. Try and identify the trigger that causes you to react that way and dig into why that’s the case.
As your brain fires and rewires these new behaviours, the connections supporting old, toxic behaviours will start to fade. It might be tough, but you can and will change.
Someone else said about this
”Blame is the discharging of pain and discomfort."
Brené Brown
Is it always someone else’s fault?
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