The world’s craving validation & acceptance (E03)

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TWO DADS A coaching conversation about life - Episode 04

The world's craving for validation and acceptance

Luke Fenwick

Hello, everyone, thanks for joining us for Episode Three, the world's craving for validation and acceptance. We are social creatures with an abundance of ways to communicate and fitting in dominates our minds. and has since the time of needing protection within our community means of us going. In this ever connected world, have we possibly been pushed further apart?

Is this what is driving our need for validation and acceptance? And where should the fulfillment of these magical words come from? I know Sean has a wealth of knowledge to share. So let's get to the show.

Luke Fenwick

Hi, welcome back. How are you? Sean? How is the family? Congrats, another little one on the way. How you guys feeling? How's mom to be feeling? Talk to us? moms to be as excited to get beyond the first trimester. Which we are kind of like on the bubble of getting past. So thank you, by the way, thank you. I think I'm about like, 16 weeks behind you something like that. But maybe more. But yeah, no, it's it's exciting, man. It's a time of huge change. You know, we take possession of our new home this week. You know, baby number two on the way growing a business, you know, lots of things. It's a, you know, planning a three day, you know, like, live kind of webinars as well with a big team. So, there's Yeah, it's a lot, a lot of moving parts. But you know, we've talked about this before, you know, like, choose your problems, you know, what I mean? And these are problems, I enjoy having, you know, and like figuring out how to navigate through them. So it's good. I consider it very good. Tell us a little bit about the live webinar, if you can, I'm sure people would love to hear what's going on with that. Um, I don't know how much I can say, you know, I know that it's happening. It's I'm working with other alumni of the Jay Shetty certification school. Yes. So, you know, speaking to speaking to today's audience, I don't want to say anything really more than that. Like, like specifics, because nothing has been released yet. We're still working behind the scenes. So we don't have dates and anything but it's exciting. It's a lot of work, but it's rewarding. And I yeah, looking forward to being able to kind of you know, give back I got a lot from the school learned a lot from the Jay Shetty program. So I'm very happy to kind of give back and work with some other amazing coaches to you know, deliver a powerful, powerful workshop. So yeah, that'll be fun. That'll be fine. But enough about me Luke. It has been a few weeks. We chatted back and forth but you know what's happening? I know we're getting closer with with baby. What's Where are we out here? What's new? Do we have one month to go into Shere eyes? It is getting close. Every time Julie My wife has a mon a grant or a feel of something unlike Are we on?

Oh, it's we've still got a fair way to go but it feels your time go bag ready? No. Go bag go bag is ready. I won't bore everybody with the details regarding my go bag last time for baby number one where I basically packed up last minute put like four pairs of jeans a pair of underpants and a shirt for the hospital stay I have no idea maybe I thought I was going to a restaurant or something like that. But why do we do that as men lose the exact same thing? tests my wife said to me as well because I was like no no the due dates not for like another X amount of time right? And he's like, pack your bag and I was like Okay, understood that night water breaks we're off to the hospital. It's this weird synchronicity but anyhow Yeah. Anything else? I'm also working on anything exciting coming up Yeah, there's a lot going on with the coaching business the like the last week's been pretty crazy. I've been fortunate enough to do a number of you know, blog pieces and articles for some other public publications. You know, one I finished the other day and I think I went live last night for Mr. Perfect and that's around connection. And specifically for men, you know, talking about how we connect or for you know, other words maybe how we don't connect and some of the challenges for that and there's another thing that I'm doing on the 25th of March is which is video 21 conference, it's 75 speakers from around the world it started yesterday runs for three weeks and it's about shaping the future so my conversation with them is around forging habits and beliefs and that's coming pretty thick and fast so I need to start to really fine tune my presentation for that so it's been a crazy few weeks getting everything done and now I'm you know a bit like yourself you just kind of start to focus on you know, what is the thing right in front of me that I need to do not get too caught up in the emotion of so many things flying our way and just go right you know, what is this next step in front of me.

Needs to be taken, and kind of go from there. So, it is funny one one last point before we before we move forward with, you know, actual content that we want to talk about. But that's that's kind of the point, though, right? Like, you know, it doesn't matter how you evolve that you think you are, or how much work you put into, you know, fine tune your habits and, and fine tune your beliefs and your self talk and all of the above tools, you're still going to get challenged, no matter how much you elevate yourself, right, like life is still going to give you tests to see if you're up to the challenge, and you're ready to move to the next level. Right? Like, they're never, they're never gonna stop coming. So it's kind of like, okay, the challenges are gonna keep coming. So it's a, you know, now what kind of mentality right, like, let's just, you know, keep going. I couldn't agree more I, you know, share, I woke up this morning, I usually get out of bed at like, six 630, and get into the garage and do my training. And I woke up this morning at 530, or something along those lines. And I could already sense that there was a lot going on in my mind regarding everything that has been happening and everything that needs to happen this morning. So I was like, okay, you know, what is all this about? Because you made mentioned before, it doesn't matter how much time you spend talking about it, thinking about it focusing on you know, how you can work away around it, sometimes, you know, the mind just floods with stuff. So I was really mindful this morning. And I don't mean that in a facetious kind of textbook way, but trying to understand what are these emotions that are going on in my mind, you know, what was, what was happening and what was driving it. And you know, what was driving it one, you know, I had to film this podcast this morning, I had to do some stuff this morning, I had to drop my little boy off at daycare this morning, I need to get into a TV studio later today. I've got a client at three o'clock. And all of a sudden, there's all of these things whirling through my mind, which is not unfamiliar to a lot of people. But then I started to think you know, what is because it wasn't, you know, it wasn't really fear or anything along those lines. And it wasn't like no anxiety. But what I started to realize is I was just, I was just concerned about this perfection, it was needing to be back here on time to read through my notes to make sure I'm ready to go. I've got this client later today and making sure that I'm absolutely in tune ready to go for him. You know, what am I going to talk about during this TV interview, and it was all of this ridiculous notion that everything today needed to be perfect and on time. And that's just not what life is about. So when I started to switch that perspective, in my head, you can't think of it this way. Or you can bet It's futile and foolish. I started to cut myself a little bit more of a break and then go Okay, well, this is how I can actually move this day forward, versus just caught up in this whirlwind of stuff that didn't really matter or wasn't needing to be a reality. And then you know, that's been my morning, and then I'll sit down with you and have a bit of a laugh. And before we push record, and then your mind gets in a different spot because you're not fixating or not fixating on needing to be perfect. of all of these things that needed to line up today. But I know that was a bit of a different place where we went down, but I just think it was there's value there. I didn't I didn't I didn't jump into such a change. I knew we'd gone back on course eventually. So but is there's value there, man. So yeah, it's every day is different, every day is different. And don't worry about that perfection pace. Now is that that'll progress. Yeah, absolutely progress, and focus on the things you can but.

Let's talk about the content we love. So you are an absolute voracious radar, wealth of knowledge. And certainly, it's it's a strong part of yours. And I love the conversations we have, because of everything that you bring to the table of all the books you've read. In podcasts, you've listened to just the great minds that you've tapped into. And then you know, share your point of view as well. And I know that there's a book called no more, Mr. Nice Guy. And I'd love for you to tell us why this resonated so much with you and what the key the key message was, which ties into what we're discussing today. So I'll hand it over to you to talk to us about this book. So I wanted to kind of make this as concise as possible, while you know, still sticking on the core message of this book, which was, you know, the need for approval and external validation, right? And like being able to identify that because a lot of people cannot identify that right? They can't figure out why they're stuck. They can't figure out that it's this inner child need for validation that they never quite gone as children. So they still look for it outside of themselves. Right? And this unknowingness has you kind of going through life, waiting for permission, right? That's never going to come because who's going to give it to you? Right? Who who knows they're supposed to give it to you, right? So effectively, although this book was was catered towards men, it did get quite a lot of female readers as well. To kind of better understand their husbands or their partners, right and some of these behaviors. So the funny thing about this book though, Luke was that a friend of mine, whom, even to his other two very close friends that we have read, read a lot of the similar books and like, help each other through some difficult times, he got onto this book by accident, because his Uber driver was listening to it. And then he started listening to it, and he was getting amazing value from it, right. But he was almost not comfortable sharing it with his two close friends that we've all shared incredibly incriminating, and scary things about each other too, because of that almost fear of man will do kind of fit the nice guy, you know, traits. And like I do kind of like seek approval and look to please other people first, like, you know, do I really want to share this book, but he did, I got immense value, share it with a few other people, including clients, and like the ripple effect is kind of really helped change some lives for a few people that have had this unbelievably like, internally dire need for approval, which in the end results in this waiting for permission, that's never going to come right. So again, the the big message kind of towards the end of the book is, you know, to solve your problems, don't solve other people's problems, don't try to always solve other people's problems and be a fixer, you know what I mean, and be a be a caretaker, just care, don't be a caretaker, just care for the sake of caring be of service, but Worry about yourself, right? Because like the big message was spend time and money developing yourself be a little bit more selfish, right? Instead of thinking that if I solve everybody else's problems, my life is going to be good. Well, you can't control other people, and you don't actually know if these things you're doing are going to make them happy. So it becomes this pursuit, that in the end makes the nice guy not such a nice guy after a certain amount of time, right? Because the results that you've been programmed to think will get you results, they don't in the end, because you're not crafting a life that is going to leave you in a joyfilled state, you're kind of trying to do that through making other people happy. And I think, you know, pretty darn well, Luke, that that doesn't really work.

No, look, I don't mean, like it doesn't work, I think it gets to the point where there isn't an unhealthy level of trying to satisfy other people around you or, you know, an unhealthy level of that kind of validation piece that you're, you're talking about, you know, the confidence and self love needs to come from from you. But also, kind of as you're talking about that, I wonder whether or not the issue. Have we swung too far in some of these other directions? You know, do we now, you know, where is that line where all of a sudden it becomes so inshallah, that we aren't concerned enough for the people that are around us. And then that becomes the problem. The otherwise, you know, is then are we talking about the whole balance pace? Because I go.

You know, I think part of what we need to continue to develop, we spoke about this before is that, that empathy with people, that connection with people is really critically important. I think if we can provide more of that, from a selfless point of view, and a giving point of view, then, you know, I think the world is going to be in a better place, but to what you're talking about, and the point over here is that the challenge that we have is when all of a sudden we we don't give ourselves enough props inside, we don't have that self care, that loving that giving that understanding of where we're at.

And then it spins into an unhealthy, you know, spiral of just seeking it from other people. I think that's the real challenge that we have much, I'm not sure what do you think.

You do bring up a good point, right? Because that is dangerous, when you hear certain gurus demonize like, you don't leave people behind if they're negative, or this and that, right? Like if taken super literally, you know, you're you might not give a good friend a chance and just turn your back on them, you know, like, you don't need to spend your entire time with them, maybe try to, you know, show them what you're doing and kind of raise them up right, I should have prefaced that it's difficult to give the Coles notes of a book this in depth in about you know, 60 seconds. But the premise that I maybe should have said is you know, the notion of kind of really dial into that relationship with yourself right make it solid, you know what I mean? Like, get deeper with your reflective and you know interrogative questioning, you know, ask yourself questions more often, so that you are solid when you are met with conflict so that you are solid when you are met with a differing opinion, right so that you either know when to stay out of arguments when to jump in of arguments. My advice to most people is: Just stay out of arguments, you saved yourself a lot more time and energy. But you know, I didn't know that for most of my life, but you know, the the premises not be an asshole, via, you know, like only worry about yourself and you know, and I know that's not what you're saying cuz I can see your face and I can see kind of what's coming. But that's not what I got from what you were saying. But the notion is more, you know, just really get crystal clear on who you are, and what's going to make you happy. So you don't get yourself into as many situations that will antagonize your soul, or antagonize your character so that you can be a better person to those around you. If that makes better sense. Does that does? What changed for you when you realized, you know, all you need is your own approval? What what kind of change for you, when you had that shift in mindset to go right? Like this is, this is what I need.

What changed for me is a light bulb went off, right? Like, like, what I done a lot of work. And, you know, these, these last seven plus years of, you know, figuring out how to live in sobriety after you know, I'd spent my entire 20s basically, running from any kind of accountability running from any kind of maturing running from any kind of, you know, like taking life seriously.

Basically, it just kind of changed when that book no more Mr. Nice Guy and like the discussion that I had with, you know, core group friends surrounding it definitely kind of took it to the next level. But freedom, right, like, what changed is that, you know, I don't actually need permission and validation from an outside source, if I want to do something that I love, right? If I know that, you know, I'm, for what we can tell, we only get, you know, one of these lines, right? Like, at least I don't know, any different, right? If I'm proven wrong one day, I'd love to be proven wrong one day, but, you know, if you only do get one shot, you know, like, just give yourself permission, right? And like, once once that realization sound good, it sounds very simple. But there are a lot of people out there that just almost make that plunge into, you know, starting their own business, like almost take that job at a company that's lower pay, but there's better upside, right? Because they think they might love it, right? There's so many almost, that, you know, don't happen because of that hidden approval or permission that you no one is seeking. And that's kind of the purpose of this episode is to, you know, get past that a little bit, right. Because once I finally just kind of said, You know what, no, this feels good. You know, I enjoy doing this, right? Like, investing and coaching are two things I'm incredibly passionate about. So let's find a way to make these what I do for the rest of my life. And that clarity, of focus, where like nothing else matters. It was it was quite liberating, right? Because I know, like, whatever pace any of this goes, and However, this morphs and transforms along the journey, it a choice was made and action was taken. And it was very freeing. Yeah. Okay, so. So is that part of it as well, if we, because we all have fear, okay, so we all have fear and doubt, in various degrees, you know, some people can be really crippling The, the amount they hold on to so. So if you do have that fear and doubt in your mind, you know, relating to whatever it might be. If you're getting that validation and acceptance from external people, then that can then have an impact of you not doing a lot of things in life that you might seek to do. Because how often do we then get that permission from other people to go and do the things that we seek? versus if you have that kind of, you know, internal fortitude and strength to say, Okay, this is where I find the validation to do things. Yes, I have fear. But I can push through that myself, versus finding the Ways and Means from other people like is that is that part of what you found as well is that you have this justice, internal drive, that you're not seeking other people around you to say, yeah, you, you should do that, right. You have permission to do this, that'd be fine. Whereas now, you're just, you're grabbing it yourself and pushing forward?

Well, yeah, it's, it's, it starts with asking better questions, right. Like, you know, once you realize that, like, again, you have permission to ask yourself better questions. And, you know, again, this is this is for me, and then largely, the last seven years has been trying to figure out you know, what, exactly were the things that allowed me to reach the next level, right, like, what were the things that allowed me to reach the next level? Right. One of the things that allowed me to reach the next level was no longer you know, wait, just kind of like patiently waiting my turn. Right then the it's, it's often not understood by a lot of people but patiently waiting, your turn.

Often gets you overlooked for promotion after promotion after promotion, right? Like, you may have noise and express interest, right? Because you're like, What do I want? What? What is the action that gets me closer to what I want, right? And when you just start asking, what was the next action? What's the next action? What's the next action, and you take the action, you put it through, like a decision matrix, right? And like, this is where it gets more complicated. And we probably need more time to break down these subjects. But you should have like a decision matrix of some kind that you put your questions through, right? And, you know, you should ask yourself.

You know, like, so that it passes like ethical and moral tests, right? So you see, it's not just kind of like, I'm going to do anything, I don't need permission, I'm going to go and like, just do what unbelievable, terrible things without asking anybody's permission that this is not kind of what I'm saying, you should still have a process that makes sure these decisions are moral and ethical. But, you know, just continue to ask them and then chase the answers. Right. And like, once I, once I just kind of realized that, like, one of the questions that I wanted to ask myself more often in life, right, one of the questions I knew I'd ask myself at the end of life is, did I embrace curiosity? Enough, right? Because the big thing that kept me out of going into business for myself, you know, getting deeper into the world of investing, just continuing to improve my understanding and knowledge there was just, you know, what, what comes next? Right, what comes next?

Like, don't wait for permission, like you can be one of these people. And yeah, that's I hope that answers your question, anyhow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. To the point where you're talking about as well, in regards to, you know, putting, putting it through those questions to understand, you know, does it have moral and ethical kind of standards to, I presume the style of life that you're looking to live, the other really good thing that's important for people to do is understand their decision making process, as well. Now, what I mean by that, is often, you know, people don't understand what they go through to make decisions. So obviously, at the very, very end of the decision making process, and we're a bit off topic here, but it kind of goes into what you're saying, if people are sitting here at home listening, going, Well, you know, how do I make decisions at the very, very end of the process is action. But what are all the things that you do personally, before you get to the point of action? Now, some people have this whole scatterbrain pace, some people freeze and absolutely freaked out, some people try and gain information, or you know, you know, information in connection from their community, versus the other people that might do some practicing, as opposed to then getting into the action. So the real key thing for anybody is go, Well, how do I make my decisions? Can I actually short circuit some of these and get through this whole scatterbrain, or freeze pace into gathering information and then getting to action? Because then all of a sudden, they can start to speed through things and move through life quicker? And then not getting caught in sometimes, if they're seeking what we're talking about the start validation from those around them? If that's part of your decision making process, then how do you do less of that in your life to move forward into action yourself? A bit off topic there. But it certainly goes into what you're talking about with that, you know, set of questions that you might ask yourself during some of these challenging times, what it is, is a tool to kind of ensure that you're avoiding it, right, that you're avoiding the pitfalls of you know, am I doing this for me? Or am I doing this to impress somebody else? Am I you know, like, Is this an action? Or is this undertaking, right, that's gonna require some energy? Is it being done for the right reasons? Is it being done for you know, like, reasons that I'm seeking to get attention? Right? am I creating this content or producing this work? Because I believe in it, and I want to do it, and I'm going to feel good in the doing of this work? Or am I doing this because I think it will get likes, for example, right? Am I doing this because I've seen it's trendy and you know, I can maybe get some attention this way. Right? And, you know, get like from that attention, maybe I can get some influencer ship or whatever it might be right. And it's just the chasing trends or chasing these things that might get you some attention now. I mean, there's, there's no way to know if like happiness comes as a result of those things. But, you know, usually if you if you have like some type of again, like you said, decision making framework that you put big decisions through, then you can avoid a lot of the aftermath of chasing empty things that aren't going to kind of like again, was it your own approval you were seeking? Or was it external? Right? Because the more you seek internal validation, the more you just kind of go like no I feel good about this and I don't need anybody else because the this is right. What I'm doing is right, the end result of those actions, they usually feel better they're usually creates the, you know, the kind of life that you kind of see.

Sit back and appreciate the work you've done. Right? Like I feel good about this work, right? Because like the the decision points, like the the starting point of going after it was kind of crafted with a plan, right, put through your own decision making matrix, you know, you're making sure the decisions you're making fit your values fit your mission. Right. So like, I guess a lot of what we're talking about another pre work to getting to where we are. So, you know, let me let me ask you a question like, you know, in your career.

If you don't mind, just kind of segwaying a little bit here is, you know, as acceptance and validation, cause you problems in your career at times ever, right? Like, have you ever fallen into it yourself a little bit where your decision making was based on you know, how others see you as opposed to how you see yourself. And, yeah, I think the last role that I had before getting into the coaching world is where a lot of it fell over for me. So when I got out of professional sports, and then worked in a big, you know, advertising global marketing agency. And I kind of went in there and thought that this was just the next step. And you know, I do really well, and everybody there would be really accepting of me and welcomed me with open arms. And I'd done all these amazing things in my life. So to be fine and high fives, and it was quite the opposite. You know, I received a lot of resistance from nearly everyone that I had to deal with. And it was a real challenge to work with him. And what I kind of found on reflection was is that I was hoping for validation and acceptance from the people within the organization, about my past experiences or my ability, or what was going to happen next, I was seeking all of these things I'd forgotten and walked away from what had served me so well, in my career up until that point in regards to focusing on the job, getting better, growing, moving forward, all of these things just get caught up on the wall. Why is this person not saying I'm good? Or why is this person here not giving me any kind of high fires? Why is this person over here not celebrating, and I really made a mess of everything. Now, it certainly wasn't the only reason why I chose to walk away from that I think this was just all of my worlds colliding. But that was just an absolute huge part. And it also made me reflect as well and think back as may have a leader within an organization had I actually done the right thing over my last 2025 years in order to give new people coming into the organization as often as I could, a level of validation and acceptance. And I know that kind of flies in the face of what we're talking about here. But thinking back as our leader and saying, people come into unfamiliar situations, challenges, you know, anks, anxiety, all these kinds of things. And if they don't have some form of validation and acceptance, from the people around them that they need it from, then they won't achieve that they things that they could have. Because it is absolutely a fundal part fundamental part of what we seek as humans, and this goes back to millions and millions of years to go, you know, that hole in the writing of you know, we, we seek that connection, we seek that validation and acceptance like it is just part of us. I believe it's part of us. And, you know, I think I could have done better of those things as a as a later years ago, but certainly, yeah, trip me up. To answer your question. It certainly tripped me up in the last job. Yeah, well, I mean, I think it gets all of it, all of us. Right. Like, I can relate to that. I like I think in my last job, and, you know, like, initially, when I was loving it, I was, you know, I was I was climbing hungry, asking all the right questions like, what do I need to do next to make sure I'm doing my, my initial job incredibly well.

I guess the chase dried up a little bit. And, you know, I again, forgot God kind of made me successful in the first place. And, you know, again, it was like, great company and could have spent the rest of my career there. But it just, yeah, just in the end. Like, again, it was like, unfortunately, I started asking better questions and asking, like, what do I really want to do, right? And that it's a blessing and a curse? Because if you start kind of going down the road of making sure you're doing things, the right reasons in your own approval, it might cause some disruption in your life. Right? So be forewarned. Yeah. You You made mentioned you drop the word curiosity before.

And I think that's where it changes a lot for us is that we go from this mindset of curiosity. You know, going in from that novice mindset, how do I learn how do I grow? How do I absorb versus you know, what I did is I just went in thinking, you know, I know everything, not know everything, because I was going into really different industries. So I was mindful of that, but I still didn't approach it from just being a sponge, and sucking in as much information and knowledge and wisdom from from everything around me. And I was caught in No Man's Land Between Feeling I was getting no validation acceptance from anybody. And then my mind saying, I can't ask questions, you know, I can't ask questions to try and seek to understand and gain information. So, and that's what I mean, like all worlds collide at around me, and it was just just a bit of a cluster. I won't say the last words, there's a real real challenge real challenge. Yeah, again, it's, it's said this a few times, so we don't need to dive back into it. But it's, again, life is not gonna be void of challenge, right? It's, you know, learn, learn from them really trying to learn so that like, each situation is not a loss, right, you can get something from every situation. But I want to want to move on to something we like to do meal quotes, and we each kind of pick a quote that we want to, you know, dig into a little bit here. So Luke, dive into this one for us. So don't wait for someone else to validate you validate yourself. And this quote is by Steven pressfield, who's written I think, like 3000 books, 4000 books, I don't, I don't know the actual number, but he seems to have set the record for publishing books. But anyhow, and I put out two blogs over the course of two weeks and think for.

That's going crazy. Um, you know, when I read this first, was this, okay, is this a really, really simplistic quote? And then I was okay, so don't wait for someone else to validate you validate yourself. And I thought, Okay, this is, this is really basic, and then you start to get into these other thinking in regards to this, you know, endless search, you know, a need for substance, you know, how much connection do people have now? And, you know, he talks about, you know, do people have a God in their life, whichever particular highest spirit, they might be talking about? Are they getting any validation there. And this constant stream of needing to acquire something like there was just my mind went in so many, so many different directions. And I'm, I really started to struggle to articulate what this was about, but it kind of goes back to what we're talking about, at the very, very, very start, it's, the more you seek from outside of your world, which is you, then the more opportunity opens up for things to see you off course, or run you into challenges. So if you can find love, Grace, giving beauty internally, or even a step out, you know, for those around you, then I think you're going to be in a good spot. But as soon as you start to seek magnificence from things that are far away from you, and often we do that, right, we seek validation or beauty in things that we just can't get our fingers on, like, we can't touch, we can't hold them, we can't sense them. And that's kind of what trips us up. And, and I think that's kind of where it was going here is that one, find it internally, certainly, don't seek it from someone else, except yourself for what you are, be okay with where you're at, give yourself permission to know that you're not being perfect, and that you're growing, validate your existence of who you are, and then move forward from there. But I'd love your thoughts you're spot on, usually, when it comes to these kind of quotes, and a higher level of flux is far too kind. And but I you know, I know that I'm going to be disagreed with to right, like, at the end of the day, you know, this, this podcast is only our opinion, you know what I mean? And it's to be debated. But I think at the end, it just, it just comes down to, you know, the simplest rule, right is that I think it is healthy to you know, want certain people in our lives to be proud of us, right? Like, you know, my wife, my, my daughter, you know, my child, you know, that we're gonna figure out the sex very soon, you know, child to be I, I want them to be proud of me. I don't I mean, like, I haven't brought that. Yeah, exactly. I have no problem being vulnerable about that, you know, like, I like it better, who I want to be proud of me and who I want to set an example for, right, have a life well lived. Hopefully, you know, I mean, that's the mission at least. But outside of that, just this is the question that, you know, I'd love the audience to kind of take away and yourself as well, right? If you allow other people to validate you, right now I get it if you have a boss and you're chasing a promotion, and as the story goes, you need them to approve of your performance, right? So to a degree, you need to pass certain tests, but at the end of the day, like your character, like who you are, you know, and you know, really figuring that out and, you know, making decisions based on that character and based on your values and all of the above, if you make decisions for someone else's approval, or someone else's validation, who has the power in your life, hmm, no, sir. Certainly not you so has the power in your life. Are you giving it away?

Way, if other people's approval is more important than thinking and doing actions that will activate your soul in a positive way, as opposed to antagonize your character, right.

That's why a lot of people get stuck in shitty relationships. But I like that they've given that power and that permission to other people around them. And it's really difficult to get it back once you've lost it. And I think that's where people get caught in that spiral of going around around. But now I 100% agree with what you're saying. I think that's where I was talking about trying to get to, and fumble my way through that is that first degree of of unknown versus the unknown? It's, that's right. Like, they're the ones that matter to you don't go to this far away person over there, or it's certainly don't get caught up in people that you don't know. No, it doesn't mean like, again, none of this means right. Like, there's the book of the the very catchy name the subtle art of not giving such a such a very catchy title. Yeah, something to do with dogs, I think. But anyways, like, That book is not saying go out into the world and be an asshole, right? That book is not saying, you know, like, like, there isn't this, like, it's not mutually exclusive. Right? You can't, you don't have to be somebody that gets your own way. And also have to be a tyrant or have to be somebody that, you know, like, like bulldozes people and has no morals and ethics, right? Like, a lot of these things are not mutually exclusive. Exclusive. That's what a lot of people think, right? Like spirituality means that Oh, man, like I shaved my head. And I live in an ashram and I, you know, just, you know, kind of disconnect from the world for X amount of years. That's one way of doing it. But it's not the only way. Right, I meditate daily, right? I believe in something still figuring out what that something is. But you know, like, power greater than myself, you know what I mean? But it's just again, bringing it back to if you only got one life, right? Wait a minute, for pretty sure we do only get one life. So if that's the case, then whose approval Do you need for the rest of your life? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. You wake up every day waiting for someone else to say job well done. You're fantastic. You're beautiful, you're worthy. All those words that get trotted out a lot in every self help post in the universe. Like if you are waking up to expect that to come your way, then you know, you're looking for trouble.

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A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. I love this quote. I've used it recently. It's by Mark Twain.

It says what it is, you know what I mean? Like, this is one that I'm actually not gonna have to dive too heavily into, because this one actually means means exactly what it says. And it's not. It's not a tongue twister, or, you know, hidden meaning in any way. You know, this is a, and this is one of those ones that just kind of smacks you in the face. Right? Like, uh, you know, it's beautiful in its simplicity, because I didn't know I didn't understand this for a lot of my life, right, like a lot of my failure to launch ideas I've had in the past that might be incredibly fulfilling, and just lead me to an unbelievably happy existence.

The other thing, too, is that, you know, the thing you got to be careful for is that sometimes it's gonna be the people closest to you that actually set these traps right, through their own limited beliefs and mindset. You don't like it like people like they're your closest loved one sometimes will say things like when you tell them a dream and say, we'll be careful about that, right? that could go wrong, what if it does go wrong, right? Better have a backup plan better have this now.

Don't argue on the backup plan mentality. But however, if you if you are around somebody that often says this to your ambitions and plans, don't push them out of your life, but just be cautious, right? That that's their limiting belief that is telling you that your plan might fail based on my perception of the world, not the way that you see it, right. But it's often loved ones that will kill your plans, right before you understand what is happening. So be careful about that. Right? You know, again, be careful about who you tell your plans to sometimes are they going to fan your flames? Or are they going to douse you with a bucket of water right like I had that in my life and it was like it took me a long time to realize it right that like this is coming from a place of love and not wanting to see me fail but it was also cutting me at the knees and showing me every single way every plan I had could go wrong. Right? So getting past that has been liberating right getting past that has been truly freeing, right like there was no statement this podcast would ever be successful. But you know, let's do it. Anyways, let's have some fun, right? There's no saying that my coaching business would ever be successful. But let's lean into it. Hey, I have clients right? You know, there's there's there's no saying that you know, like the mic.

My goal to speak to large stages and groups of people will ever happen, but I'm going to speak it into the universe, I'm gonna go after it. Because I know that if I achieve that, I also know that I have things to share, right? Like, you know, that I used to allow that, you know, limited thinking and these thoughts that have been incepted in me through other people's beliefs to factor into my thinking, right? Well, what if it doesn't go wrong? What if I don't ever make it up onto the stages? What if I don't, you know, like, pass good knowledge on to people through effective coaching, right? Like, what if I, you know, so like, I used to fall victim to the opposite of what Mark Twain was saying here, right? Because other people's ideas got in my head. And I wasn't curious enough, and I wasn't tapping into what would light me on fire, right and activate my soul, I was missing something, right? The unbelievable thing is that, you know, trying to become an entrepreneur and a pandemic, under the circumstances that they were, you know, at the start of 2020, I had every reason to believe this could be a terrible year, right? It was a fascinating year for so many reasons, right? Am I am I truly financially free and and liberated, not by what I determine, you know, financial freedom that protects my family for generations. But I can see, I can see the target, it's a moving target, but I can see it, and I believe that I'm going to catch it, set the bar farther and keep going. Right. None of that. I don't think at least, and this is where I'd love your opinion. But none of that is possible for me, until I start accepting that I'm actually writing my story. The pages are blank every morning. And it's up to me, right? And if I can live with myself, knowing that I've put it through my own decision making matrix and ethically and from a value set, but more importantly, morally, right, because sometimes you can do some shitty things, but they're ethical, right? So morally, more often, like is more what I'm talking about, you know what I mean? And I did go on and set you up there, but you know, helped me, save me from myself, like, save me from myself. No, I was always I just sitting there talking about that, and all these decisions that you've made, or all of these actions without knowing what the end consequence could be in regards to, you know, starting your own business and being on stage. And, you know, that's further down the track. But I think that's part of the challenge that we are faced with is often what we don't do is that when we recognize these other things, that deep down, I need to change about myself for actions that I need to, to undertake. And we ignore those things, right. And then when we are ignoring those things, we aren't validating ourselves, we aren't having that acceptance, we aren't saying right on the track. And then that's when we start to slip up as well. Or, for example, we might be doing things deep down, we're actually not celebrating them. We're not saying well done, we're not saying this makes me grow, this takes me forward. And again, when that's happening to you're not validating yourself, you're not giving that kind of approval and acceptance into who you are. And then that spins into another area of if you ignore that for a long period of time, you know, self loathing, or maybe anxiety, depression, or whatever it might be. So, you know, absolutely. I agree with what you're saying you you need to be close to it. You need to have that alignment with your, your story that you are creating to make sure that your habits like your day in and day out is heading in a direction. Like let's not talk about a goal here because that slips people up. Let's make sure that you're living your life in a way that you go, right. Okay. I'm okay with this. I'm fine with this. I can move forward acting this particular way day in and day out. It's leading me to amazing things I can celebrate when I do that. Versus Geez, I made a mess of that. That's not the best version of myself. I've kind of, you know, done a bit of a shitty thing. I can rationalize it to myself as being okay, but deep down I know it's not when you're living that way then that just eats eats away you Dane, that's a that reminds me of a quote from a past episode. Mahatma Gandhi, right? Yeah. And again, I'm gonna paraphrase but when your words actions and beliefs, you know fall in line like that, that's that's where happiness lies or something along those lines. But what you just mentioned is Yeah, it's difficult. It's difficult and I can speak from experience it is difficult to kind of be in that fulfilled state in that joyful state. So the thing that I think misses steps a lot of people up is that like joy and fulfillment is like the end result of like, having achieved massive things, right? The materialist society that we live in, like yes, those those are the rules presented, right, you're allowed to be happy and enjoy like in the process, you know, like if you're, if you're kind of like meal making that choice surrounding yourself with the right people and you know, understanding that like, man like that.

The improvements that I'm making, they're exciting, you know, like, it's the next step mentality and just kind of continuing to grind. Right? And knowing that, you know, like, these decisions are, you know, I might not have it all yet, you know, and, you know, like, by, again, societal definition, right? But it's coming, you know, you measure the improvements. And when it's mission based, and you know, you're going to kind of look back and you know, be able to answer the questions that you ask yourself, when you come to the end, and you're gonna be able to answer them wisely. Right? Like, again, this is one of Brendon Burchard thing, Luke. But you know, I'd love to know if you have your three questions or not. But what are the three questions you're gonna ask yourself when you come to the end, right? If you can figure out what those three questions are that you're gonna ask on your deathbed to figure out if you live a life that by your definition was successful, fulfilled, Joy filled, right? If you can figure out what those questions are, and start asking yourself asking yourself those questions more routinely? Yes, you're probably going to kind of stay on track with a Purpose Driven Life making decisions that are more seeking only your own approval as opposed to others, right? Yes, yes. Yeah. Look, you know, I started to have massive questions with myself before getting into coaching. And I looked at and I said, Okay, I wanted to be the best dad, husband, and person I could be. That was a big thing that I needed to say, Well, how do I need to do that, and then I started to form things around this, in regards to, I want to make sure that I address the things that I know that I'm not good at, and no longer ignore them. And for many, many years, I was ignoring the things that I knew were no good in my life, because I could rationalize that as being, I need to do this, because that's led me to some level of success, or I can make an excuse because it's attached to work. And you know, if works going really well, then it gives us money to do these things, all of these ridiculous notions in my mind. But for me, it was that best dad, best husband Best Personal could be was around solving some of these, you know, riddles or concerns in my mind that I had not addressed for a long period of time? And how do I you know, make an impact on the world around me, like, they're the things I won't go into the rest of it. But like, that's how I really started to form what was coming next for me. And if I could do those things, and feel that I'd given my best. And what I mean, my best is that everybody knows deep down when you're like, I've kind of I've sandbag that, you know, I haven't given it my all everybody knows that feeling. And I didn't want to live that way anymore. And then I started to make some changes on the back of that. And then that went into this whole, you know, giving validation to myself. Okay, you know, I talked to my dad, does he think a coaching business is the greatest thing in the world? Probably not. But I'm not not seeking his validation, that this is the right thing. I'll seek His counsel to a degree because he's my father. But he's not signing, he's not signing off on the report that this is the right thing to do. Like that comes from myself. And it comes from my wife, going back to what you were talking about before what we were both talking about before that first degree of connection to people that are right here. That's where it comes from? Hmm, yeah, no, you definitely, definitely do want that support. It's, it's important, you know, but again, you're like, again, where's the decision coming from? Right? Like, where's the? Where's the mission? for this coming from? You good segue, because you just talked about your, your pops. So

Unknown Speaker 48:39 the little kind of parenting segments, right, when dealing with these situations, you know, when when it arises, right? Like, it's a, it's a conversation that? Well, first of all, my daughter would not understand the word acceptance, yet. It's a long ways off. But when the time does come, you know, Luke, all kids struggle with feeling accepted as they grow up, whether they understand it or not, how will you help your kids through this?

I think about this a lot at the moment, my boy is nearly three. And from what I can tell, and I haven't done lots and lots of study on it is not at the point where we're talking about acceptance and validations of and all those kinds of things at the moment. It's about toy trucks and dinosaurs and stuff. But, you know, I start to think about this whole that external acceptance and, and why we need that. And then I go, is this derived from confidence, you know, is that where all of a sudden starts to really foster in kids from that young ages that we just don't have that confidence in ourselves? So then we're seeking it from other people around us. And having that balance and perspective, I think that's the real key that when he's old enough, oh, you know, I'll do everything I can to build up the confidence in him that he is his own individual that can make his decision.

And that, that's his life. And you know, his mum and dad will always do the best for him. But he needs to have confidence in it. He needs to have balanced and a perspective on what he's doing. And I had a quote here, I'm not sure where it came from. So I apologize, whoever might have actually done it, when I accept myself, I'm free from the burden of needing acceptance from you that like that was the quote.

And maybe that's part of where he eventually gets to is him as a son and my daughter, too, when they get old enough, and, and they're making their own decisions, you know, it'd be difficult as a parent, to understand that he's now fully making his own decisions. He's validating himself, he's not getting it from me. And that's kind of where I was coming back with that confidence pace. How do I build how do we build all of this confidence in him, that he's not needing it from so many people around him, and certainly not from, you know, that person over there, and

Billy, the other kid that he might be playing with, I think it's around this confidence pace.

But it also goes into, of what we seek as humans, and we do seek connection as humans, you know, we do seek that feeling that we do belong, and we're part of a community, and that we're being felt and heard and understood like that. That's, they're all things that come to us as part of human nature. So we can't ignore those things. But I think that's where the confidence stuff comes in. Right? Let's be mindful, have the perspective and balance that this is this is what we are As humans, we need these things that have the confidence in yourself, that when you need to go, like you will go because it's there within you. And that's what I hope to, you know, hopefully work with him on.

I like that, it's, you know, it's funny, because there's, you know, this from all you've learned, but there's just so many parallels across so many themes.

And the themes, they just, you know, especially when you kind of think about parenting, because the lens always comes back to I would love to instill them in this. But there will be no force, right? Like, there will be no you know, doctrine ation, there will be no you know, anything like that. It's, you know, it's like the old, you know, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. Yeah, yeah. Whoever in the world set it right. But, um, cowboy, cowboy somewhere, for sure. But no, it's I mean, those are all like amazing things to instill. And as you were saying, I was like, you know, there's no, there's no right or wrong answer. Because every child parent relationship is going to be a little bit different, right? But it's just again, mission based, right? Your mission is, I think, where you will find the success because your mission and how you want to raise your child is where the power lies. Yeah. How can I one sane still, because that's not the end install nearly as almost except that's, that's, that's not what I mean, but I'll use that word, because I've said it. But, you know, how do how do you raise him or and her, even though she's not here yet to, to be making sure that they're also instilling that confidence in other people around them, too, because I think that's kind of what we want.

How do we spend more time making sure that we give other people around us the confidence that they need when they don't? And I know that goes against the whole internal external validation. But the more and more I'm talking through this episode, I go back, it's a confidence thing. confidence, and maybe that maybe that's another show is how to develop confidence. Like, I'll ask you, when your kids become teenagers, it's scary to think what social media will look like them. So how you manage what they see out there? And how will you help them towards alienating their own approval? before I throw it over to you? I think kids will look back at what we do on social media in 10 1520 years time and go, what the hell were you guys doing?

Well, yeah, the the rate at which technology advances now it's kind of scary, right? If you think about how long humans have been evolving for, you realize that we are only 14 years AI, right? IP, after iPhone, right? 14 years after iPhone, let's just let's just kind of fathom that. Right? So when you think about that, you know, where will social media be like, you know, the integrated level of virtual reality what is real, what is not like, you could go in a lot of different ways and write some pretty crazy sci fi if you wanted to, but at the end of the day, you know, regardless of what time it is in, you know, it'll be like, there will be a lot of wise in you know, my relationship with with my kids, right? Like a lot of it sounds fun. Why? Well, what why do you wanna do that? Right? Oh, that sounds that sounds awesome. Like what like what why does what why do you wanna do that so badly, right? And just kind of Keep coming back to Yeah, no, let the let's before we kind of get there, like, tell me like, Why Why do you want to do this? You know, like, there's gonna be a lot of that. And that might sound like awfully simplistic right but like to bring it back to making sure they always need their own approval. If, like I heard something I heard recently, which is a really interesting because it's like in sales and in creating agreements that are Win win. It's an improv tactic, but use the yes and tactic, right. So like, instead of just kind of sand nose all the time, and, you know, hitting them with with nose is like, when you get a request, like can we this? Can we that to the to the derby, like, yes. And before we do, we're gonna go and get your homework done and did it at Adobe, like, you know, yes and right. Yes. And collaborative, right, like, okay, like, show you how, like, it's not always just, I get what we want type of scenario. But yeah, get on the same team, but a lot of a lot of wise, like, let's explain the thought process. And I'll have to probably figure out the right, the right balance on that, because that'll also be like, Oh, my God, I don't want to dad for anything. It's just gonna ask me why. Right. So like, I also don't want to be, you know, like, off the top petulant and annoying, but I just want to create the habit that they don't make the mistake that I did for such a long time in my life, right, which was seek other people's approval. And, you know, not really step out of the safe lane, at risk of not getting it quite right. And having somebody said, told you so right, like, I'd way rather shoot my shot. Miss it a bunch before I figure out how to make it right and stumble a little bit along the way, but be able to eventually say, I did shoot my shot, right? I did take my shot, right? So you know, it's like, by kind of asking why and being inquisitive and not mandating right again, like there's no indoctrination, there's no mandates here. It's just create that habit of why right create the habit of interrogative self talk, like, let's kind of figure out why are we doing these things? Right? Like, what's the end result of that? Right? Like, do I really want to be doing this? Do I Do I want to go on that trip? Do I want to say yes to being part of this group? Like, do I actually like it? Or am I just going along with it? Right? So the more that you ask yourself, why am I doing this, the less you will find yourself in uncomfortable. And I've gone back to this a lot, but the you know, the less you'll find yourself doing things that antagonize your character, right? Or like, you know, or not so activating but soul deflating, if you will, yes, goes back to the thing that you mentioned, the very, very start like that ties into that whole curiosity piece. Like you nurturing and encouraging curiosity, and curiosity not to find something within an end goal. I will do this just to get to this point, which has some challenges. You're talking about curiosity, as a long play, you know, how you continuously look to unfold this, you know, piece of paper and find new crinkles to what life is all about? Like, that's what you're kind of encouraging within your kids to do? Yes, why? And then you pull it apart and go even further. And then that just ends up being a very, very long, long trip forward. So I think that's beautiful. I really love that. Yeah. And just just to finish that, right. It's like that's, that's learning from my own mistakes, right? Like I just, you know, I'm coaching now and taking a chance on this because I got curious right so that's why I chose that as one of the three questions I will ask myself on my deathbed, right is like did I embrace my curiosity? Right like did I did I embrace my chart my like, inner child like curiosity? Because if I do, I'll have a more interesting life. Right? Like I'll see more things I'll experience more things right I'll live more fully if I embrace my inner child like curiosity. So that's why that made it into my my three questions. I love it. As you're saying that I'm reflecting on many things that I have not done in life, because I haven't approached it from a curiosity. If I can digress for 60 seconds is I've been fortunate enough to do some traveling over time and you know been to many beautiful places around the world and we've been sharing recently some Yeah, your your next man. I don't know what I what how I feel about that Luke, and Ozzy that's the next man. But anyhow, that's that's a difference. That's an episode in itself. But think back now, the amount of times that I did not explore something more in a city because I had a piece of self doubt or whatever it might have been, and not a fear of something would happen. But I just didn't approach it from a curiosity of understanding and finding out more. And I think of how many times I have not gotten everything amazing out of a particular city, because I haven't been as curious as I could have been. And what you're talking about is how do you apply that same thinking to life? How do you approach curiosity, find out more, you know, give more, understand more. And when you talk to clients about that same thing, two things exactly the thing that you're you're talking about, I'm just having these lightbulb moments approaching life from a way of curiosity. You know, who's going to give you just that that long run forward? versus that stops right here? Yeah. So even if we could just give that to the listeners today, right? Like, what's your relationship? Like with your own curiosity? Do you tap in? Right? Do you allow that? Well to just continue to feed you with questions, or do you shut it down? Right? What's your relationship? Like with curiosity? Absolutely. Well, let's bring this let's bring this to a close, I've got one final thing to say or ask you. So you've admittedly spent a large portion of your life, you know, needing external validation and approval? You know, that's, you've spoken about that a few times, we've been lucky enough to hear that story from you. How did that hold you back? And how do you help others move past this now? Well, this is this is this is an easy question now because of, you know, what we covered in the show, but you know, repetition in this area is not a bad thing. But again, it just kind of, there's something that I do with my clients. Now, early on in the process. I've only done this with a few clients to this point, because I just kind of got onto this study and started to use it. Yeah. But you know, it's clarity. It's, you know, again, it's, uh, you know, I spent a lot of my life seeking external approval because I my internal questioning was not very solid, right? Like I didn't have, I didn't understand that simple tool, right? I didn't understand, I'd never come across Tony Robbins quote, that you can measure the quality of one's life, by the quality of the questions they ask themselves, right? Like, I've never, I didn't know that concept, I didn't understand it. So you know, how do I get help my clients get really, really clear on that. And one of the earlier sessions that we have together, I have them send me a photo, right? I kind of agent and make it kind of 3d. And that's based on an I actually did it for you too. So you have a photo, but I just I'll send clients this photo, and then we'll do an exercise together, right, like a little bit of a meditation kind of breathing, let's let's let's kind of go to the future. And like, you're this, you're the older version of us having a conversation with you, and thanking you for all of the things that you did to you know, help us like to get us to this amazing place that we are now in. So you know, what is that like, very realistic age rendered photo of themselves do if they really lean into it and kind of practice and start writing is like, it starts to be able to see that I am going to be that older person, right? Like I am going to be this like, older version of myself that is going to need love that is going to need to be cared for that damn well hope has a lot of money, because they're running out of yours to kind of go and like earn for themselves. So like that realization and that clarity that, like, I better start living a life that I'm enjoying now because like, eventually, time runs out. Right. So like, it's this, you know, not not not a non defeating way, right? Like, you know, how do I help people move past the need of others acceptance, not in a defeating way. But we help paint the picture of the end will come. You know, so like, this is making it very real. Yes. Let's have fun with this photo, right? Like, what is that person? What does that person achieved? How have they gotten to where they have? And it's just like, it's a it's a dissociative exercise to kind of get people really crystal clear into into getting into the action phase, if that makes sense. A does a does a does. Does anything else you'd like to leave us with any other guy? No, I think I think we've, we've talked quite a bit. I think we've gone we've gone into the longer end of our episodes so far. And I thought it was a great one. But I think we I think I've hit all the points I wanted to hit today. Luke, you beautiful? No, I'm all good. So thank you, everybody. It has been one that has gone in many different directions. I think I've really enjoyed it. So thank you, Sean, for for everything that you always bring with the knowledge and absolute wealth and abundance of beautiful literature that you've consumed. So yeah, thank you, everybody. Thank you so much for joining us. And if you can like and share and tell everybody to jump on board. We'll see everybody in a few weeks to episode four. So be safe, be present value and, as always seek fulfillment. I love it for now. Ciao ciao.