Is your communication style, your problem?
“In life, often we treat listening as a strategy of last resort.”
Sheila Heene
Do you listen only because you are trying to figure out what to say next?
Like a game of tennis waiting at the net to smash it away!
YES, match point!
Or do you listen seeking to understand the situation for what it is and make each encounter the best it can be?
Communication is clearly a key in life. It is defined as “the imparting or exchanging of information by speaking, writing, or using some other medium”.
But what about the notion of communication being an exchange? How often is there really an exchange of value?
Read on if you are wanting to improve on this essential skill.
What is communication really about?
Now, when I look at that definition, it feels a little one way to me.
Ideally communication enables us to articulate what we are searching for or feeling. It enables us to discuss our emotions and feelings along with aspirations and concerns.
Good communication is not necessarily easy and evolving our personal communication style can be difficult if some of our bad habits have helped us achieve a desired outcome over the many years of our lives. It’s important to note, learning new strategies to communicate and negotiate is a key skill that will enrich your relationships and serve you well in life, considering many people do not evolve from what they learn at an early age.
Good communication also allows us to engage with those who disagree, don’t understand or challenge us to find a common ground, form resolutions or simply open your mind to understand another point of view and move forward.
How do YOU communicate?
Can you step into the shoes of someone else and understand their view on the world, concerns and ambitions? If not, then empathy is something to work on.
What about the ability to shape a story and enable another to understand and then adopt your view...never happens? Then the power of persuasion is the key you seek.
How do you view a conversation?
I often speak with clients and often, they are men that view conversations as a likely chance to turn into confrontation.
As you can appreciate, thinking a situation will end in conflict will not start things out on the best foot. Your internal body chemicals are already getting you anxious, your pupils are dilated meaning you have tunnel vision, your body language is changing and you have a preconceived outcome...before you have even started talking or listening.
Where does the passive-aggressive feeling come from?
I believe it comes from the act of thinking there is only right or wrong and that one’s ego dictates us to believe we are right, from the get-go. It can also come from an insecurity issue. If you are not comfortable in your own skin, then you’re projecting this onto your interlocutor and you probably aren't comfortable adopting other views that could make you doubt your own in a conversation.
What are you aware of within yourself that could explain how you handle conversations?
I look at myself as a fairly calm and evenly emotional kind of person, for the most part neither too high or too low in how I feel or act, an introvert at heart. Some people have thought of me as aloof or arrogant because of these traits.
However there is an area of my communication for so long that has been far from ideal and as with everything in life, continues to require focus and my attention for me to evolve on. I know that I want to get better compared to how I have been for 95% of my life. I tended to get frustrated when I felt I was not in control of the situation and it was not how I had envisaged it in the beginning moments. I felt like not being in control meant not being heard/understood or not getting the outcome I wished for.
When I got frustrated I tended to want to dictate the situation and push it towards the outcome I wanted, taking little notice of the fallout that followed...on me, on the people around me or on the outcome itself. Not helpful at all in the long run, right?
During these times, my communication in the past could often become non existent. I’d shut down.
In these situations, my intuition via my (old) beliefs is telling me that something is going to happen and after much thought, the intuition is saying to me that I might not get my own way. So if I bulldoze the situation then it is more likely that I will get what I want.
Hmmm, that is my natural (or is it a learnt one?) response to things. Does that sound like a winning formula?
Does that sound like a style that would allow those around me to come back for more? Or give all they could to a conversation to get the best outcome? Or instead, would they just give up because they think I will just go over the top and the outcome will be the same?
So even though I am so much better now, it’s an evolving skill to practise and I’ve got a long way to go… but trust me, there is hope. If you work on it!
Take 90mins that could create light bulb moments for you
This podcast from The Knowledge Project with Sheila Heen is incredible and has so many amazing points related to communication, see below some of my favourites.
Negotiation: we are all negotiators as we do this from a young age but we are not all SKILLED negotiators and often repeat the skills that have been successful for us in the past and don’t develop the others. She says “Capability gets deeper not broader” which basically means that we often don’t see what else is possible, and that can trip us up.
We revert back to old styles and ways during times of stress, challenge or uncertainty.
Kids are always poking the edges to find the limits with parents and get what they want. As parents what are we teaching them about what works?
What can you do to help communication in your personal life and work
Aim for in-person communication when possible. Create dialogue vs just words. Listen, don’t just hear. Try not to get into a monologue whenever you can.
Be honest, get authentic sharing how you feel and where you currently are in the situation. Are you frustrated, disappointed? Conversely if you are filled with happiness and joy, share it.
Don’t have difficult conversations, fight or argue over text or email. Pick up the phone. If it is a difficult conversation, what is the core issue that has created this difficult conversation? Emails have a tendency to be a rant or sound like one. You cannot understand, tone, emotion, feelings or context. The person on the other side may or may not get the true meaning of what you’re saying in these conditions.
Be mindful of the history and background you have with people when communicating. If you have a history of tension, be mindful of this as you or they may automatically think this next encounter is going to head that way and act accordingly. If your mind does spiral thinking about old events, ask yourself: is the thought about the outcome of this conversation you are having, fact or fiction? Are you anticipating the worst case scenario before you even begin?
In a conversation:
Be constructive, not destructive. How often do you ask yourself: How have I contributed to this situation or problem?
Often we take the victim’s position or self-assess that we are not to blame in a situation. However, often the outcome of a conversation stems from choices from both parties or other people involved that could have led to a particular point.
Seek to understand the other’s position. Because you understand another's point of view, does not mean you have to agree...if you don’t actually agree. It is ok to just understand that might be feeling differently about something, it doesn’t mean they’re wrong but it doesn’t mean you’re right. The truth is sometimes relative to the individual, it is their truth and that’s okay too. Don’t block out the chance to put yourself in their shoes and learn along the process. Look at it from an understanding to grow you and others.
Change your focus in the conversation from “why am I right ?” to “what am I missing?”
Get to the heart of the conversation, uncover the true issue not just the feeling that may be felt at this point. “How did this conversation occur in this manner?”, “what are we both seeking from this interaction?” and most importantly, “why is it essential that we find a balanced outcome from this conversation?”
Ask yourself “What is the internal story that you’re telling yourself about this conversation? Is it focused on a story about you? Is it a story about the other person?” Again...Are they either fact or fiction?
Communication is true, growth-enticing and should be moving you forward
Good communication is about showing up and being real, it is about sharing and giving and being honest. It is about being open to the opportunity that is being presented and going from there. Everything comes from clarity and without good communication, we can never have clarity with ourselves or someone else.
Sheila says an awesome evolution could be “when you go home tonight shift your focus/purpose from I just need to get them to see it my way or they need to change”.
TO
“Just understand better what is going on. Why are we having such a hard time in these situations?”
Mutual understanding is a successful outcome in itself -> Find a way to understand vs just trying to fix it.
The way you communicate says a lot about you -> Find a way to just communicate with a place of care.
Communication is an acquired skill and it is innate for only a few lucky people. If you need help to figure it all out, as always, I am here for a free 30min chat.
