Could you be a closet narcissist?

In my mind, I had always envisaged a narcissist as the “fat cat” stereotype kind of guy... Blue pinstripe suit, banging on the desk, loud, brash and over the top in their self-centered and self-serving behaviour.

However, when I really dug into it… I found that that’s just not right.

A narcissist doesn’t have to be the loudest one in the room, he or she doesn’t have to be the well dressed corporate executive or the sports car driving, flashy watch wearing slickster… They can be the quietest one in the group, only showing their true colours when their victims are alone. Often they are the one with insecurities running so deep, self worth so low that they are there simply to make themselves feel good by squashing another. That said there are so many out there it would be foolish to paint a stereotypical picture based on outward appearances and overt telltale signs.

“In general, there are at least two subtypes of narcissism: grandiose and vulnerable.

1. Grandiose narcissism is what most people may think of as narcissism. People with grandiose narcissism may be more extraverted, have low levels of neuroticism, and openly express feelings of superiority.

2. Vulnerable narcissism shares the same basic traits of NPD, but may involve more hidden thoughts and behaviours. Those with vulnerable narcissism tend to have higher levels of neuroticism and need more reassurance”.

So ask yourself, how often are your actions purely based on you being the winner? How often do you feel the need to make others feel insignificant in your presence to make yourself significant in the process?

If you answered “often”...or “more than I used to”. Please read on as it’s time to make a shift before it’s too late and these habits are passed onto others, or you wear out someone that loves you dearly.

What is a narcissist?

From the article “ What Causes Narcissistic Personality Disorder?” which inspired this blog, they write “A clinician may diagnose narcissistic personality disorder if someone has five or more of these signs and symptoms:

1. feelings of self-importance or superiority',

2. frequent thoughts about being good looking, powerful, or successful,

3. beliefs that they’re separate, special, or above other people,

4. a need to be looked up to by others,

5. feelings of entitlement to special treatment or an expectation that others should cater to what they want,

6. a tendency to take advantage of or exploit others,

7. difficulty empathizing with other people’s needs, desires, or emotions,

8. feelings of envy toward others, or beliefs that other people envy them, or

9. behaviours that seem arrogant or proud”.

I was floored when I saw this article. Honestly, it feels as though 70% of the males I have encountered in my last 20 years of life fit into most of these 9 traits… possibly #4, #6 and #8 might be rarer than others but the rest are rather common.

Have a think about your circle of connections both professionally and personally. Do you know many that fit these descriptors? 

Now be honest, what about yourself?

Give yourself 1 point for each trait you display with frequency... Did you get to 5 or 6? If you did, then you may well be suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

However there is a way forward but first we need to get clarity on...

Why do men display these traits so frequently?

Is it the need to win? To feel powerful? To be more significant than another?

Is this about being numero uno, being king of the mountain...no matter the cost?

I think this is all about making oneself feel superior to others and control the situation...However being top of your field, iconic, legendary and elite does not need to come at the expense of others. Respect is earned not taken.

Now you may rationalise the behaviour by saying “But being a narcissist is OK, not really hurting anyone….right? I am just confident!” WELL...

"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Let me ask you this, do you want to extend the life of behaviours that don’t really serve you and those that come next or do you wish to flip the script and messaging?

Do you want to be a role model? A game changer?

Because you don’t have to be a narcissist to instil internal belief. Having inward confidence is not the same as being a narcissist and that's the thing to highlight here. Believing in yourself and building others up is the way forward. Building yourself by making ruins of others is simply not.

“The most meaningful way to succeed is to help others succeed.” 
Adam Grant 

What can you do if you display these traits?

Take the time to reflect and firstly try to understand why you think a particular trait serves you well in life. Understand why you believe this is the only route you can take. Why you think being this way is part of your long term strategy and key to sustained success.

Spend time figuring out the patterns when it shows up in your behaviour. What is the trigger, action and long term impact here?

Then get some outside perspective, go and talk to people that might not be in the same good fortune as yourself. Gain a perspective on their life.

Lastly, get out your journal and take some time to detail your thoughts as it's time to formulate a plan.

• What triggers you to be a narcissist (people, place, situation)?

• What is the story you are telling yourself that enables this reaction to exist?

• What behaviour do you exhibit and want to change, get super detailed here?

• What behaviours do you want to display?

• How do you wish to react physically?

• Delay your initial response by doing what instead?

• Introduce new habit reminders

• Review your progress over 2 or 3 weeks

• Celebrate with each change in behaviour

You have learnt this behaviour over a number of situations and years, over time you can absolutely learn new ones to take its place.

So I will close with this.

“Narcissism is increasing in modern Western societies and this has been referred to as a “narcissism epidemic”. The endorsement rate for the statement “I am an important person” has increased from 12% in 1963 to 77–80% in 1992 in adolescents.”

What does the increased rate in narcissism really tell us?

It says that in a time where the world needs us to come together and figure out what the next 30 years looks like from the perspective of us as whole, we must lift our focus and move from the self-centric mode that plagues us now and reflect back on lifting those around us as opposed to tearing them down.

If you have read this piece today, two things. Firstly, thank you for taking the time and getting this far, it certainly humbles me to know people are reading, listening and watching the stuff I put into the universe. Secondly, you can change these habits that you have built up over time. Much like you can change how you eat, how you move your body... you can certainly change your reactions in situations and that begins with starting to find a new perspective on the way you look at things. 

Maybe start with your own little piece of humble pie when you are feeling the need to exert your self created superiority. Slow down a little and be the best version of you, the creator, nurturer and builder of hope, one that gives without necessarily wanting to take anything.

This is not a forever thing for you or certainly doesn't have to be, if you choose another belief to impact the actions and habits you have then you can make this your default over time.

Are you a narcissist who wants to change?

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